These ladies are a riot, and always seem to make me laugh. Since Seriously Shawn's daughter is dealing with a broken fibula in Florida and Shawn specifically asked for funny stories to cheer her up, I thought I'd repay the favor! Besides, I'm a wealth of self-deprecating humor around here.
So, first of all, I'm alive, despite the hateful and unfair actions of Student Health in denying me life-saving antibiotics last week. Thanks to my immune system of steel and a little TLC, I'm out of bed and on the mend :)
Last week, though, the prospects were a little dim on that front. The Lawyer was heading out of state to litigate a huge case and I was basically bedridden. He asked if I wanted my mother to fly up, and although my first reaction is usually, "NO!," I was feeling delirious and vulnerable.
I agreed, and a few hours after The Lawyer left, my mother arrived.
She took to my still somewhat unpacked apartment with purpose, scouring every surface from top to bottom. And, while I napped, I was only vaguely aware of what she was doing around me. A few times, she popped her head into my room to say, “I’m reorganizing your cabinets” or “I folded the laundry in the dryer.”
It wasn’t until today—when I’m feeling much better (Yay!)—that I realized the magnitude of what she must have witnessed while I was asleep.
Behold, Exhibit 1: The Female Condom
In my Introduction to Medicine module on human sexuality last fall, we had the most ridiculous, self-important professor ever. All of the sessions were three hours long, with mandatory attendance, and assigned seating. (Right, because my tuition payment of $50K/year has not yet proved that I want my medical education.)
Anyway, the professor loved having these "panel discussions," which were basically a combination of exhibitionism and TMI. During a session that I’ll call, “Freshman Year College Sex-Ed For The Socially Inept,” we were given dildos and taught how to properly place condoms on them. And, because we’re all equal opportunity/protection up in my medical school, we were also given Female Condoms as freebies.
I took a couple because I do love me some free stuff, and also, I wanted to show The Lawyer. At the time, we were not yet dating, but I would pass the time in this class by texting him constantly. He found our topics of discussion hilarious and also hardly worthy of the title "educational," hence my wanting to show him souvenirs!
(Side note: A month later, we realized that neither of us had unlimited text message plans when this module was going on and that we had exceeded our texting allowance by a collective $300. I'm guessing this is a MUCH funnier story to tell when you are both grown-ups and one of you has A JOB than when you are say, 15, and on your parents’ family plan. Take note, teenagers of the internet!)
So…yeah. Multiple female condoms just chillin’ all out in the open. My mother organized them by placing them in a basket with my curling irons. Good call, mom!
Exhibit 2: The Lawyer’s Underpants
Obviously, my mother already knows about The Lawyer, including that he stays over at my apartment sometimes. I’m guessing that knowing this cognitively is a lot different than incidentally finding his underwear mixed in with the laundry, though.
Are they boxers? Briefs? A unique boxer-brief combination? Only The Lawyer and I will know. And, my mother, apparently.
Finally, Exhibit 3: The Sock Mask
Off the bat, I can see how the purpose this little knotted piece of black material could be misinterpreted. But, let me explain!
When I was Boards studying and then, on my Internal Medicine rotation, my sleep schedule wasn’t always consistent. Sometimes, I’d be in bed by 8 p.m. Or, conversely, I’d be sleeping in until 11 a.m. I didn’t have blackout curtains in my new apartment yet (now, I do), so I’d sleep with a face mask on to block out the light.
Well, one day when I couldn’t find my face mask, I ingeniously fashioned one out of a pair of The Lawyer's socks. They were dark and stretchy (and CLEAN, you freaks!) and wha la! Instant face mask!
After I found the actual face mask, the tied up socks never went away, simply because I am usually too
ghetto lazy tired to use something else. Besides, look at how perfectly they live on the bedhead!
In retrospect? My mother probably thinks that they're some sort of S&M bed ties. Annnnd, good luck erasing that image from your mind, mom.
Hope your girl feels better soon, Shawn! I certainly do, despite the mortifying realizations that contributed to this entry.