I don't know how to start this conversation, but I've always tried to be honest on my blog--both because this is really a record for me as much as it's entertainment for others. Also, though, most of my readers are my main source of advice and guidance about my medical school education.
After studying very hard, doing average on my practice tests, and sitting for my Boards, I found out last week that I failed.
That's the first time that I've written that. I haven't even told my mother. It's hard to write that, because it feels like it's not real. It's hard for me to understand or to comprehend what I could have done differently, but I failed.
The Lawyer was in Texas when I found out and other friends were having a happy hour I promised to show my face at. I took a cab there, in case inebriation got the better of me, but it didn't. At that point, it felt dissociative. Like, a psychiatrist trying to understand a schizophrenic's hallucinations. It was trying to understand something that was there that didn't feel real.
It felt real today when I had to have an infamous dean's meeting again.
Usually, I'm a ball of nerves and stress, as I will myself to say the words they want to hear: That I haven't tried as hard as my classmates, That I don't study well, That my previous career ill-prepared me for a career in medicine.
Today, I was beyond that.
Never in my life have I felt so low and debased that I am beyond tears. I want to cry and I try to cry, but aside from the five minute episode yesterday, there is nothing but emptiness.
For three years, I've studied with friends who honor exams and got 240s on their Boards, helping them learn mneumonics and stories. Then, I fail. I get a private tutor who I harass so much for review that he finally refuses, telling me that in his opinion, I know it cold. Then, I fail. Or, I study all summer, keep up with my UWorld schedule, pass the NMBE practice exams that I take at home, and have my friends tell me that they got 20 points higher on the real exam. And, I fail.
Given my past academic performance and the exorbitant cost of the particular medical school that I'm attending, I spoke with the deans about the chances of getting a residency when this is all over. The words "challenging," "really tough," and "not good on paper" were used.
That's what I've heard ever since starting medical school. "You're so great in person," they tell me. "You're not good on paper."
For the first time that I've dealt with these awful meetings and academic challenges since starting medical school, I was completely calm. When the options were laid about how to "squish" everything into my fourth year to make it to graduation on time AND take yet more time off to take a $4000 course of Board review since they say they have no reason to believe that I'm capable of studying on my own, I said I didn't want that.
The reality is that I'm not sure that I am able to or that I even want to graduate from medical school. I can't pass exams in medical school and this is a pattern I can't break. I know partially why this is--because the stakes get higher with every exam, and so does my anxiety--but overall, being forced to constantly say that I'm not good enough and don't deserve to be a doctor has broken me. I've already totally lost my self-confidence and I fear that if I stay on this path any longer, I'm going to lose myself entirely.
I told them I wanted to take a year off.
But, to be honest, I only said this, because I'm too afraid to say what I mean: I'm done. I'm over this. I'm ready to drop out of medical school.
Saturday was my last day on my Internal Medicine rotation. Starting today, I'm on an official leave of absence. I also owe just under $300,000 in debt, which is accruing interest at a rate of 8.5%, without a job.
I don't know how this happened and I don't know what to do.
54 comments:
Whoa. I'm sorry RS. I think that's about all anyone can say at this point. Also, you've seemed really unhappy these past few months. I hope you figure out what you want and what makes the most sense for you from a personal and financial standpoint. Keep us posted regardless.
I am so sorry of this! I'll be talking to Doc H and email you. :(
The one thing I do believe about life, is we do end up where we are meant to be. The journey can be rough, but it's what prepares us for who we need to be in the future.
Sending you big hugs. . .
Oh my goodness. I am so very sorry. Praying you have peace, comfort, and wisdom as you decide your next steps.
I don't know how medical school works in the US, but one thing I do know, the better Doctors fail a lot, that's how they become the best. A lot of my friends who never failed in school are nowhere in medicine today, while those that lost years due to failure are moving at an astounding pace. I have a lot of medical school failures ahead of me at work and sometimes I wonder, maybe if I had lost some years, I would be more ambitious now.
I did fail a lot in medical school but I had family around, I remember having to go on rounds with my juniors so I could pass my re-sit exams. That has come and gone.
I would recommend you read the story of Dr Ben Carson, a classic failure who refused to be kept down
Please keep your head up, we all love you.
I am so sorry. I hope you can take some time to regroup. You are so talented and normally so optimistic, I'm sure that with time things will start looking up... but it sounds like you have a lot to figure out. Hugs!
So, so sorry to hear this Red. Big hugs coming your way from up North. There will be a way through this, even if you can't see it right now.
Something to think about when the dust settles - Is there a disability services department at your school? One of my med school friends had terrible difficulty writing exams because she simply couldn't complete them in the allotted time, no matter how well she knew and understood the material. She underwent testing through disability services that showed that she had a learning disability that affected her ability to concentrate, and as a result was able to get additional time on all of her exams, including her national licensing exams. She's now doing well as a second year family medicine resident. Just a thought...
I'm so sorry. Admitting all of this to the world took a lot of courage. I really want to try to encourage you with cliches like "life doesn't give you challenges you can't handle" and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", but let's be real: sometimes life sucks. It does. All you can do is take the time you need to figure out what to do next and then start the next chapter. Whatever you decide to do next will be the right decision for you and you can move past this. Good luck honey.
I'm sorry- this must be such a hard decision to make. Hang in there and know that you'll make the decision that's best for you.
cate
Wow. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles! I will pray for direction and guidance for you. I don't know what else to say. You are a wonderful person who has a wonderful personality and I know whatever you choose will take you far!
OMDG- Yep, I have been really unhappy. I probably should have quit a while ago.
Dr. Erhumu- Thank you. That means a lot.
SD- Interesting that you write about disability services. I'm finding out that I'm opening up about failing that apparently everyone at my med. school has taken performance-enhancing drugs at some point. Even if it was for the month of Boards studying, most of my classmates--as well as the deans themselves--suggested that I start taking medication. I don't know how I feel about getting a prescription for Adderall, just so I can keep up with my peers on Boards. It seems very counter-culture to what we're trying to preach to our patients about healthy lifestyles and also, it seems like a stake that's too high to make continuing worth it. I don't want to start medicating myself for a disorder I don't have, just so that I can perform better.
I'm sorry, I know how it feels to look bad on a resume and as an accountant I've been fortunate enough to find employers that look past it. I hope you find your path, whether it's medical or not.
Red,
Reading your blog has always been a source of inspiration, love, and humor for me. I absolutely love your writing; you truly have a gift.
I'm terribly sorry about what happened to you. I will be praying for you that you find out what your destiny is, and that you win the lottery to pay off those terrible loans! :)
I am sending you all my love, hugs, chocolate and wine. If you need someone to tell you you're awesome, send me a message <3
Wow, I don't think I've ever heard of someone at my medical school self medicating, and I've certainly never heard of someone in authority advocating it. It sounds like you have a really dysfunctional training environment if that's what is deemed necessary to be successful! I can completely understand your hesitancy about taking meds to do better on exams, and that absolutely wasn't what I was thinking of.
RS -- I totally hear you in your response to SD, and I agree that these kinds of meds are often overused. Still, I'd get checked out for a learning disability regardless. It's not about taking performance enhancing drugs, it's about getting yourself to the point where you can function up to your potential under pressure. This could be critical in life, not just if you decide to go back to med school. I'd hate to see you continue to struggle because of something that could be relatively simply fixed.
But yeah, sometimes the key to improving your performance is just getting yourself into a better life situation.
FWIW -- We all know you're smart. You've gone to and excelled at great schools in the past. Something's just off now, and you need to figure out what it is.
I'm so sorry to hear this :( As a grad student, I've wanted to quit many times and feel like maybe this isn't the path for me. I should be finishing in the spring, but think a lot about the fact that I may never use my degree. Good for you for figuring out now if med school is not for you and having the courage to go through with a life change. I hope you come to the decision that is best for you!
SD- I realize that anything I say negatively about my med. school is going to look like I'm just taking cheap shots now, but yes, the deans told me to get medicated and I had to ask what that meant and who you go to, etc. I wish that I would have had guts to consistently write about all of the horrible, illegal, and unethical things that were happening to me, because it would make more sense in that context.
OMDG- I get what you're saying as far as getting tested, but I just find it really hard to believe that someone with my track record before med. school would suddenly develop a learning disability at age 30 that is now hindering them from succeeding on standardized tests that they've taken their whole life. It seems more likely to me that I just can't deal with the BS at this particular med. school anymore, and that is affecting my performance. As far as what I said about meds, I know it gets scandalous because people are very touchy, but I will just say that every person I talked to went into this hushed whisper of, "Listen, I took meds. for only 3 weeks" or "I think you should try it...it will help you sleep better at the very least" and I was just shocked. I know that people at all med. schools abuse drugs in some form or another, but it was just shocking to me that so many people were quietly using Adderall.
Hey Red,
I cannot imagine how hard this must be, and I'm proud of you for keeping it together even when I'm sure all you want is to hide under a blanket and pretend none of this is happening.
However, just so that someone is saying it, what is it that you *really* want to do for the rest of your life? Because if the answer to that question is "be a doctor", then you should tell the deans and everyone else to get out of your way, and keep going. I realize the financial situation is bad, but if you get another loan and graduate, it will be much better than if you have the debt you have now and don't graduate.
Also, (and this is the important part): you have gotten into and survived the first 3 years of medical school. You took the MCAT, and passed it well enough to have offers from several med schools (something most people cannot achieve!). You do have what it takes. Like somebody said above, failure will make you a better doctor in the end! It's hard, yes, unbearable even. But if this is truly what you want to do, then you owe it to yourself to push through the pain and difficulty of this time, and continue.
May God bless you, comfort you, and guide your decision and keep your heart and mind safe. Hugs!!
LiveWithoutFear- Thank you for that. I know all of those things, and that if this is what I want, I can do. I need to figure out if it's still worth fighting for, though, because I'm really tired of everything right now. And, how much do I regret not going to one of those other med. schools right now? A LOT.
RS -- I completely agree. One does not develop a new learning disability at age 30. Probably there is something else going on. At any rate, I share yours and SD horror that so many students in your class are medicated, and that faculty recommended the same for you. I just think you need to figure out what you need to be happy. Whether that's med school or something else remains to be seen. I'm glad you've found the lawyer, and I hope he's able to be a supportive shoulder for you to lean on in these tough times.
I am so sorry to hear this-RS. I've loved reading your blog and hearing about your life, and you are a wonderful, truly kind, inspirational individual-don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'm praying for and thinking of you :)
This just sucks. I'm so sorry, my heart and gut are aching for you. I hope you come to a decision about how to best move forward for yourself.
Sending good thoughts your way.
I am so sorry Red, I am so sad that this is happening to you. Hang in there, and I hope things pick up from here on out and work out. <3
Oh sweetie. There is nothing I can say to make this feel better but know that you can always always always email me. My medical school dreams got squashed back in college so I can't pretend to understand but I know you will change lives it just might not be in the way you forsaw 3 years ago.
:(
Saying a prayer for you girl :)
God's got something big in store for you... too bad it makes no sense to our foolish minds. <3
Matthew 6:25-26... Do not worry.
I second was has been said before - you must have done well enough on the MCAT to get into med school, which is no easy feat. I could definitely see how anxiety around test taking could develop - and cripple your test taking skills - given the circumstances you described.
Make the decision taht is best for you and your emotional well being. I don't know what that is, but I wish you the best of luck in figuring it out. Perhaps some distance from the insular world of medicine is a good idea.
take care
Honey, I am really sorry for what happened. I have a lot to say but since I am a non-US citizen IMG I will refrain from speaking much here as I might just be very wrong in my opinion.
I have confidence in you that you will get through this and come out in good shape.
Sometimes life just seems so against us and everything seems so impossible but if being a doc is what you want, you have it in you to definitely be a very good one at that.
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that, RS, and can't help but join in the shock over the medication recommendations by the deans.
Now, you didn't write here about the stuff going on at your school, at least not extensively. But... if it's endangering your future, your financial safety (and badly) and even coming down to threats to your health, I think it's about time appropriate people found out about it. It won't help you here, but it may clear up your record a bit for another attempt at another school, if that is what you still want. Have you talked to Lawyer about the possibility of fighting the school on what led up to this and exposing the illegal and unethical things?
I kept thinking about it again and again... and somehow I want you to fight it out and not take leave for a year... easier said than done.. I know... take some break (a shorter one if possible) since u did not take a break after boards but get back...
From what I know you really want to be a doc. Failures are difficult to get around but maybe there are other (better) solutions.
Snarky- Yeah, The Lawyer knows the things that have happened, as does one of the lawyers reading this blog who gave me her advice before I met The Lawyer. I think the consensus is that because I go to a private school, they pretty much have free reign to do whatever they want. I have thought more than once about outing them to the LCME, though, because after the first two years, I smartened up and started keeping very detailed records with things in writing. My only fears are that saying something now makes me look like a bitter failed med. student, whereas saying something before might have actively prevented them from cooperating with my residency apps. It's been a catch 22 all around. The Lawyer isn't the right kind of lawyer to spearhead anything against the med school, but of course, he would be happy to watch them go down in flames.
Doc V- I know. I'm with you. I asked if I could reassess this situation in mid-December, after I've retaken my Boards. I might not even have a job by then and I think it's better to go back than to waste a whole year out of school. As per usual, no one responded to me regarding this situation, so I get to make phone calls and harass people today, to make sure someone has recorded this decision somewhere.
Now that is like a good girl...
I am currently preparing for the Step 1 so if you need someone to keep you encouraged through this tell me... like I could be your planner to whom u cud update your daily status to keep a check on progress...
I am so sorry, girl. They were right about one thing- you are GREAT in person. You are so smart and funny and lovely. So sorry that you are going through this challenging time- if you ever need a buddy to grab a boozy milkshake or margarita with, I'm your girl.
Red, I know this is the internet but I feel like everyone here is rooting for you as much as we would root for anyone we knew personally. If you want to move forward, if Medicine is the ONLY thing you can see yourself doing with your life, remember that you CAN do it, you are perfectly capable, but even the deepest rivers need to take a little detour en route to the sea. And if this isn't for you, if you are CONVINCED that you no longer want to follow this path, put your sanity first. Don't let fear of the unknown hold you back. Your well-being must be the priority. Cheering loudly from the sidelines and praying for you!
I am a long time lurker, first time poster! RS, I have been reading your blog for ages, and was in tears reading this entry. I feel for you and wish you all the strength and courage in the world to deal with this challenge. I was so affected by your words, I have been talking to my husband about it and wanted you to know two little Internet strangers living far away are thinking of you and wish you all the best. I am really glad to hear you will retake your boards and reassess in December. Don't give up if you truly feel this is what you were meant to do. You are in our prayers.
RS. I don't have anything useful to say. No advice to give. I hope you make it through this though if thats dropping out of med school or taking some time and going back. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Red. I wanted to suggest a program for you. It's in the Midwest though. It's called the PASS Program and it was great in my tutoring. I'm not in medical school but the teaching was so amazing I was able to understand way more than I should have considering I never spent a day in medical school. I am rooting for you. Please don't give up on your dreams. But if it's not what you want then by all means go after those dreams and wants instead. Always remember to talk and ask God for direction and guidance on your purpose in life. I'll say a prayer for you.
Nothing to add other than "bullshit" and "no fair".
Very sorry to hear.....I could say all this "when one door opens stuff" but that really doesn't work until you have walked through that door and made a home where it led you and look back.
In the meantime, sending you positivity.
I'm really sorry to hear this.
I have been following your blog for sometime. I find your writing inspiring.
I have great respect for you and wish you the best in whatever you choose.
But please, don't give up, at least at this point. Take your time and reassess the entire situation.
I am an IMG and preparing for step 1, I have friend who is also an IMG who had to retake his CSA exam but got into a residency. He compensated his attempt with more work into research. It took him a year more than what it took others but he is in a happy place now and is attending interviews for fellowship.
You have come so long so pls take time and take a decision what is good for the future you.
Very very glad you will are willing to think about it in to months.
All the best.
I'm really sorry to hear, R.S. I wish I could take you out for a drink (I probably could send my sister because she's in the area!) but in the meantime I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm so sorry :(
That is a tough blow to be dealt. We have all read how much you have studied and prepared for this test. It is a fact some people aren't very good test takers. If you still have a desire to be a doctor don't let a failed test keep you down. This period of your life will become crystal clear in 5 years or so. Not much of a consolation, but things will work out. You will see. My husband tried getting into med school for at least three years before he was finally accepted. He was such a worrier that in his 2nd year of med school he ended up in the hospital. The anxiety and stress of doing better than his best was taking a tool on his health. At which point he became aware that at least half of his class was on some form on medication - mostly anti-depressants which he took for a while after that. Medical school is tough. A year off from clinical rotations to sort things out could be just what you need. And you wouldn't be the first person to do it and it is absolutely no reflection of what kind of doctor you will be. I wish there were a test that accurately evaluated all the little things that can't be measured that make for a great doctor. You have a large cheering section regardless of what you determine to be your final course. I wish you the best of luck on that journey.
FromaDr'sWife- Thank you so much for that comment. It is comforting to know that other people have had similar struggles.
You are one of the most gifted people I know and I realize how hard this is. My heart aches for what you are going through but know that every step you take is on the right path - whether it seems like it or not at the moment. Sending you clarity and strength and love.
I feel like anything I write will sound trite compared to what you're going through. I'm not in the medical field, so I don't know the ins and outs, but I know you are tough. You overcame your childhood, a horrible fiance and your ongoing family problems. You can do this. And I know The Lawyer will be totally supportive of you as you make your decisions, because that is what he does. I'm glad you have him to lean on right now. You got this.
You are amazing and compassionate and smart and strong -- and I say all those things to remind you, because I know that sometimes knowing that can get lost under the overwhelming burdens of stuff. You are. The qualities that got you this far are the same qualities that are going to guide you through what comes next, whatever it is. Take some time and when you do make your decision, make sure that it's what you want, in your heart, and not what other people tell you that you should want.
Much love. Many prayers.
Call me when you're ready. I want to pray with you.
Dear RS,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I applaud your courage for posting about it. I have a wonderful friend who is a terrific physician and had a horrible experience with Steps 1 & 2; it was maddening to see her struggle when I knew that clinically she was head and shoulders above so many of our classmates. And I admire her so much because as difficult as it was, as much as she wanted to quit, she took her time (just as you are), retook her exams and kept on going. Now she's an attending at a teaching hospital.
At any rate, time off is good-- there's definitely no need for you to make any decisions (stay in school or not) right now, especially if you feel like you haven't been yourself for quite a while.
I know you don't know me at all (in person) but feel free to shoot me an email if you want to chat. I had my share of low points in med school and beyond, and leaving medicine was the right decision for me but I know it's not for everyone.
Hey Red,
HUG!!! Good luck with your decision making in the next few weeks. This news sucks but as Sarah said, you are tough and freaking amazing and setbacks like this donot change any of that. We respect and admire you for who you are.
Cheers,
I'm sorry. Finding out you failed is horrific and totally traumatizing. I remember not being able to say the words for a while- and even now, having passed on my 2nd attempt and passed Step 2, it is still hard to wrap my mind around. That said, if you do decide to go back to med school, I can't suggest hypnotherapy highly enough. It is what got me over my testing anxiety (which I'm not sure I had before failing but certainly developed after I failed step 1 the first time). I used it again for step 2 and believe it made all the difference in the world.
Sarah & Meagan- Thanks, ladies.
PhysicianActivist- Whaaa? Really? I'm strangely game for hypnotherapy! I'm half-heartedly considering getting tested for learning disabilities, but to be honest, I still don't believe that I have one (why was I passing all the practice tests I took before the real thing?). I kind of want to do the hypnotherapy...
i'm so sorry to hear you are at the end of your rope. *HUGS*
it makes perfect sense to me that given all the *in-credible* BS and trauma the school has put you through, some anxiety and brain-fog might pop up at exam time despite you *knowing* the material cold. i would focus on addressing that problem, perhaps a break will help unwind some emotion, but maybe also counseling or some calming/centering practice like yoga. it sounds to me like you're incredibly capable of *being* a physician, and you have a great bedside manner that will enhance your book learning and make you really successful. writing tests isn't usually a great metric for success in the field.. it's unfortunate we don't have a better way to evaluate students. and i don't approve of the way the school throws you under the bus and puts up more obstacles when what you really need is some encouragement and support.
you can kick their butts if you decide to. but deciding to spend your energy and money elsewhere is totally understandable!! best wishes for caring for yourself in a difficult time.
Being tested for a LD is not a bad idea either. I know many many people who have made it to significantly high levels of graduate education before being diagnosed with one. It isn't that these people aren't smart of capable- quiet the opposite- they have been compensating for so long that it takes extremely artificial environments for the compensation to break down.
My experience though was I was doing just fine on my qbank and practice tests until the week before the exam. Then I bombed an NBME self assessment totally putting me into a funk. I ran to my dean who convinced me that it was just a fluke and that I should take it as planned. I couldn't shake the fear of failing though which became a self fulfilling prophecy. After having a similar experience a week and half before the second exam I knew I needed outside help. Enter hypnotherapy. I had 3 sessions, each was recorded & I listened to them 2 to 3 times a day before the exam. It totally helped decrease my anxiety and helped me raise my score 32 points. Before step 2, I went weekly for the whole month I spent studying and again was given tapes of the sessions to listen to. My score went up another 20+ points. Depending on how you process things, somatic experience sessions can be similarly helpful. Good luck with whatever you decide to do! It is a shitty place to be in, but honestly, it does get better.
Dear Red,
May I say ditto to all of the kind, supportive and encouraging comments shared here.
Know that you are in my thoughts and that I am sending nothing but good and kind wishes your way.
I am so, so sorry to hear this, RS. I've been a silent fan of your blog for a while now. I have had resits nearly every year during my medical school years 1 - 3. I can imagine what you're going through. BUT, and I promise you this, this - like anything else in life - will prove to be a very useful turning point in your life. It will shape your life how you let it, and I am sending you all the strength in the world to turn this around into something positive. Failure is so, so little compared to the bigger things in life, and I promise you you will realise that as time goes. Trust me, I've had so much failure in my medical school years, with the crying and the low self-esteem and wanting to drop out, having no sense of identity or hope. But I learned to find a way to transform myself. I am still not the best student in the world, and I WILL have more life-changing failures, but I have LEARNED to become OK with that. So what if I (or you) don't become a doctor? I can still be someone who makes a difference. And if I really DO want to become a doctor, I will find a way to make it work the best I can. Please don't worry or lose yourself because of some stupid boards.
I hope I am not imposing myself too much on you with this but - have you considered applying for residency abroad? For instance, it takes much longer in the UK, but a USA medical graduate like you, I'm sure, would get snapped up in no time! When can you next re-sit the boards (if you want to)? You WILL find a way. Remember that's what life is all about, anyway. It's not about being in a rush to the end-point. It's about enjoying the journey you're going on, and learning from (and, although it may be too soon, laughing at) the fuck ups we make in life. And I am saying this not in a condescending way but in a I've-been-there-hell-plenty-of-times way. Some of my fuck ups haunt me even now, 4.5 years later and it hurts but I have trained myself to move past it.
Your medical school atmosphere sounds AWFUL. I thought MINE was bad, never even heard of a culture of performance-enhancing drugs in med school over here in the UK!! BUT, my medical school has been so patronising, condescending and extremely scorning of me, so I can maybe understand a little bit of the frustration you feel.
I know you've decided to take a year out, from reading your blog, and I am actually a little bit envious of you. ENJOY this year (I know you don't need telling twice - as a medic!!) and see where life takes you.
And remember, if all else fails, go watch Steve Jobs' commencement address at Stanford. It re-energises me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Much love and positivity your way! :)
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