OK, so first of all, I have blogger's guilt about that last entry.
Yes, bad things have happened with my mother, but I shouldn't make her out to be a terrible person, because she's not. I think that I often forget that parents are affected in divorces as well. Yes, things were hellish and awful during college for me, but my mother was also thrown back onto the social and dating scene, and things changed. She didn't realize how those changes were affecting me or my sister, because how could she? She had never been in the situation (of being a divorcee) either. I know that she's not being malicious with her actions and she definitely tries...it's just that her energy is usually misdirected.
For example, today she told me about how she was cleaning the house head-to-toe in anticipation of my arrival. She even polished all of my high school trophies, she said. And, while that is nice, it's not what I need. I gently explained that doing things like cleaning the house and buying new bedding (for a bedroom I no longer live in) are not the things that I need. What I need is to feel like my presence is wanted, say with a waiting ride at the airport, or a space that has been prepared for me to study at, or a fridge full of food that I don't have to cook myself.
Honestly, I brought this whole situation upon myself. I'm the one who booked this trip to Florida in the first place, because my energy was misdirected too. I feel like I'm caught in a Catch 22. If I don't go somewhere this summer, I might start feel burned out by being stuck in DC when rotations start in two weeks. If I do leave, I might lose my focus by trying to adjust to a new environment. Then, there's the whole overarching guilty feeling about not being home in so long.
I didn't realize how low my tolerance for stress is right now, but when The Lawyer came over last night, I was bawling uncontrollably within five minutes.
"I think we need to cancel this trip," he said. "If this is your reaction just thinking about it, then you're not going."
Sometimes, internet, you need people in your life to tell you the things that you are failing at telling yourself.
After a fitful night and angsty day, I called my mother and explained all of this. She was audibly disappointed, but said that she was also worried about the travel time involved for me to get down to Florida, as well as whether her presence would bother me when studying.
So, for now, I'm staying here to finish studying. Then, if The Lawyer and I can swing it, we'll both go home for a few days and resolve our guilt about being degenerate offspring who never go home to see our parents.
(Bonus of dating someone from your hometown: You knock out the parents and the in-law visit in one trip. Booyah!)