The relevance of Boards scores is that I got a frantic
Facebook message from my med. school friend’s husband. I know that I’m not her only medical school
friend, but I think that I might be the only one that her husband knows because
he usually texts me or emails me when he thinks she needs advice or someone to
talk to.
Yesterday's message said:
CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN BOARD SCORING TO ME??? CALL OR TEXT ME AT
XXX-XXXX PLEASE!!!
I actually thought that my friend might have bombed, and
thus, her husband was trying to find something encouraging to say. As it turns out, they had a pact that they
wouldn’t open her score until he got home from work, but he cheated. He wanted to mentally prepare before he got home.
I texted him a very brief description of what a “good” score
is, as well as what score she said she was aiming for. Apparently, she never shared any of this information
with him (which I find a little weird, considering that she gave him her login information, but OK...) Anyway, the good news is that my friend scored 2 points
higher than her ideal score! And lo, her
husband could safely buy flowers on the way home and look forward to a night of
happy dancing/margaritas/sex…whatever they did to be celebratory.
Apparently he had been really distressed about not knowing
what her score meant, because two minutes after I texted him, he called to
personally thank me for the explanation.
“She’s going to be so happy!,” I said. “She said that she
thought that she failed, but everyone says that. I knew she didn’t fail.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said. “She’s been randomly bursting into
tears for weeks now. She basically has
no self-confidence anymore.”
And right there is when I stopped short. Because I’ve heard those words verbatim
before…directed at me.
I know that I tend to write about all of the flowery or
funny things that The Lawyer and I experience, but the fact is, we do
fight. Recently, most of our fights have
been about medical school.
Obviously, it’s a stressful experience for everyone
involved, but our problems have stemmed from the fact that medical school has demoralized
me in a way that I never could have imagined. I often feel like I’ll never succeed in medicine or anything
else in life. Sometimes, I wish that I
never went to medical school at all.
Like a lot of other students, I go to class, study an
inordinate amount of time outside of class, and still do average or mediocre on exams. I’m not nearly close to being in the top 10%
of my class, and even after repeating a year of medical school that I had
already passed, I still haven't honored a single class!
For many years, I thought that it was just the
idiosyncracies of my particular medical school, but I’m not really sure. I’ve succeeded at most things in my life,
proven that I can get into and graduate from other difficult schools, had a great (other) career, gotten offered book deals, etc. and hey, I
got into medical school, right?
But, what happens when you get into multiple medical schools on
your first try, but then don't succeed once you're there? What does that mean?
And, because I’ve repeated that year of medical school, I’m
continually reminded by the deans that I’m a “remedial” student. Every opportunity or situation that comes up reminds
me of it. Plus, it's not just like someone is calling me remedial. I've had to stand before committees three times now, as part of my remediation, and say that I'm not good enough, smart enough, hard-working enough, or knowledgeable enough to "get" things like my classmates do. One of the deans even made me tell the committee that I just didn't have the science background necessary for medical school.
Except, who started doing research at age 13? Who went to a very prestigious science university in Baltimore on a full academic scholarship? Who worked in healthcare for three years before starting medical school?
It's true that I was a writer before medical school, but if I didn't have the science background to succeed, then why did they admit me?
What is ironic is that I usually do exceptionally well on
things outside of school. I’ve gotten
sparkling recommendations and comments from the few clinicals I’ve had. I’ve entered medical essay contests and
won. I was even the only student chosen
to present with a bunch of residents at a research conference
this spring.
But, the “remedial” moniker remains and nothing compensates for it. I sense that nothing I do, aside from
graduating (or honoring--which I apparently can't ever do), will remove it.
In my relationship, there has been a definitive change
in the way that I view myself and almost a fatalistic view of how things are going to turn out. This has resulted in many tears and anxiety. Because I am so verbal, The Lawyer has to
listen to me prattle on about it endlessly, and usually, he gets mad.
He’ll shut down, walk away, and say that there’s nothing
that he can say to me, because I won’t believe it. He says that I have no self-confidence in
myself and he gets frustrated because I won’t agree with him when he tries to talk
positively or say that it's just a "fluke" or "a bad exam" or "temporary."
In my eyes, he’s minimizing what I’m going through and
focusing on the Red that he knew high school so many years ago—the one who excelled at almost
anything. The current Red always feels
frustrated, behind, and incapable of doing well. Then, I get mad too, because who is he to
tell me how I should feel? Why can’t he just be supportive,
instead of assuming that what I’m saying is overdramatic--especially when he agrees that 90% of what medical schools get away with would never fly in law school?
So, maybe that’s why my friend’s husband logged into her
account to check her score before she did.
Maybe this isn’t a problem that’s just happening to me. I do know that medical school has changed me
in a very dark, negative way and I’m not sure if that’s ever going to go
away. I’m waiting for my clinicals to
start in August before making any definitive judgments on that, but I do know
that I'm no longer the person that I was—and sometimes, it's a really hard thing to reconcile.
22 comments:
Oh my god, you are preaching to the choir. I'm an engineer, but I met my husband as an undergrad where I was kicking ass (the actual first conversation we had was about a test I got 100% on). When I got to grad school and he chose to work, he never really got how demoralized I felt everyday. I used to have nightmares about the squeak in the lab door when my advisor would come in to yell at us. The only thing I found that ever really worked was only sharing the big stuff. The stuff he could wrap his head around and saved the little stuff for my fellow survivors. Unless you witness your advisor literally yelling at one student for over an hour in front of the other students, you'll never fully believe it, especially when it defies all logic given how smart he knows you are.
Your school is tearing you down! It's not you. It's totally them. Everything you have ever written makes this clear. Frankly, I would have considered lawyering up when they told you to repeat that year.
But as long as you're there, it sounds like it's just going to be a long grind as you strive to maintain your perspective and confidence.
I understand why the Lawyer wants to cheer you up and bolster your self-confidence, and I also understand why it's frustrating for you and feels dismissive. It's just like when you see a friend in a terrible relationship, and you want to support her and tell her not to lose sight of what a wonderful person she is, but at the same time she just keeps crying to you about the same relationship problems over and over.
I felt the same way about medical school and I think that most people do, even if they don't talk about it. Medical school takes people who are intelligent, self-sufficient, excel at most things, and who really want to help people with their profession, and then you put them into a professional school that makes them feel stupid, barely able to do their own laundry and eat at regular intervals, unable to excel at anything, and unable to help anyone.
The clinical years were better for me, because suddenly being a hard worker and having common sense started improving my clinical measured outcomes, while they seemed to do nothing for my test scores.
I finished residency three years ago (!!!) and I still feel like I am recovering emotionally from being beaten down in medical school. I have taken on a teaching position with a medical school. I try to throw some perspective at all of the students so that they can be less hard on themselves and more focused on what kind of doctor they want to become. And, as I tell them, I graduated in the bottom third of my class due to my poor test taking, but I get to teach at an Ivy League medical school because of my other qualities.
Hang in there. Don't believe all of the feedback medical school gives you--you have to decide what you want to be and judge yourself according to your own standards. It helps to put a filter between you and Medical School and sort feedback into a Useful pile and a Not Useful pile. (A substantial portion of the Useful pile consists of what *not* to do/be/say when you're done.) Be honest--don't disregard all painful feedback that may contain helpful information and miss out on opportunities to be a better doctor by , but don't let it all in and beat the shit out of yourself so you're a burned out and insensitive jerkface doctor someday, either.
Hang in there, it really does start getting better this year.
Wow. Ok, I feel like you just took a piece of my brain and put it on this blog. I have been trying to put words to it for so long that I just gave up. I, too, am having to repeat classes that I passed due to the school thinking "I will never make it." The professors said that to my face. (Two days before my wedding, too) All summer I have felt like you described. I told my very new husband that I felt inadequate. Even though I spent every moment I was awake since January preparing for the class. With each exam, my confidence took a blow. A hard knock-you-on-your-feet, can't breath, is-this-what-I-am-really-supposed-to-be-doing-with-my-life blow. I was asked repeatedly what my "back-up" was and that professor looked up my grades pre-nursing school. She also said I lacked the science background. When I told my advisor I lost my self confidence, she looked me square in the eyes and said, "Honey, thats the process. You'll find it in every medical, physical therapy and nursing school in the country". Telling all this to my fiance at-the-time, now husband, he would tell me how unfair and wrong it is, but then get upset and angry when I would describe how little self confidence I had left.
So, LONG comment to say I at least empathize. Medical School-Nursing School:Apples-Oranges. It isn't fair what they put some people through. It isn't fair that the hardest workers get pushed down. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, we are stuck on the ride. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, hell, I wish I knew what to say to make me feel better. I hope you and the Lawyer figure it out. Jeremy and I almost have it down. Good Luck!
I had a similar argument with my boyfriend the other night and sometimes I just want to cry and be upset and not be made to feel like a lunatic, or feel like I’m being overdramatic, or feel like it’s ME who is misinterpreting the situation. Sometimes I just need him to defend me and protect and say, “I'm really sorry you're upset. What can I do?” Not make me feel crazy for feeling how I feel (not saying the lawyer does that). It sucks that one phase of your life can totally color all of what you’ve done right and it sounds like you’ve done a lot right. It sounds like you’re making the best of it and it sounds like you’re doing a really good job despite your medical school tearing you down. I hope the next couple years fly by and this will all be over sooner than you think. I hope.
In the professional arena, I think whoever is your superior or responsible for your training, will always push you to do better (some will do so in a nicer way than others---which is a bummer). Regardless, it leaves you feeling inferior and breaks the confidence in your actions and overall abilities. It is your peers who will be your support.
As far as getting support from our SOs....meh. Men are just wired to fix problems, right? All we want is a "OH! I am so sorry to hear they treated you like that! What bastards!" No. Instead we get, "Well, you should probably do X and then tell them Y." All the while we're thinking, "REALLY! Like I didn't know that!"
It's the age old different of the sexes, right?
Carolyn- Wow. That sounds awful. I was actually kind of afraid to post this, but it makes me feel better that other people know how it feels.
CM- Yep, exactly. I did lawyer up the following summer, when I was called in and accused of not sitting for a final and thus, failing a class. Since said final is video and audio recorded, it's basically BS to say that I never took it. I was also told that I never met the requirements of my original remediation, because they had failed to document their original decision. (Which, WTF...REALLY?) Anyway, I voice-recorded that meeting and basically walked out of the meeting. They backed down, so I never had to officially lawyer up, but now that The Lawyer is in the picture, I know he'd rip them a new one if anything even close to that happened again. The first time I had to repeat everything, I was with that scumbag Rich and a lot distracted by all of the personal drama. I didn't know the right thing to do and thought doing what they said was my only option unfortunately.
Sarah- Thank you SO much for that incredibly helpful and sage comment. I try to remember that a lot of the professors that I hate have their own issues that they're dumping on med. students because of how they were also treated or burned by the system. Also, the infamous Dean I Hate never went to med. school and doesn't even have a doctorate. It's fair to say that I want to punch her in the face anytime she tells me what I should do, or gives me advice about med. school.
Rachel- Thanks! You too! It is SO hard for the non-medical spouses who are just looking on in horror, like, "What are you doing to my beautiful, happy girlfriend/spouse?" I hate that this is how medical training is, but you're right. I can't stop now, because being a doctor is the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my life. I'm also in a scary amount of debt, which The Lawyer could probably pay back, but why would I dump that burden on him? We did have many serious conversations about me dropping out, and the ultimate verdict was that I'd regret it if I didn't at least start clinicals first. If I still hate medicine in Dec, there will be another more serious blog post then.
CM- I realize that my comment doesn't make sense. One of the lawyers reading this blog unofficially advised me about what to do in that situation, but I never had to sign her on as counsel or ask for a recommendation for counsel. That's what I meant by "I lawyered up." If I did have to hire a lawyer now, it would most likely be one of The Lawyer's friends.
ames and YDW- YES. The men need a lesson on just sitting there, being sympathetic, and SAYING NOTHING. Because when they start saying things, they're always the wrong things that seem like they're accusing us of wrongdoing or trying to fix the world.
God your school admins sound like they suck. My sister never knows what to do with my brother in law--she called me in a panic once because he was crying post-call and she goes, "I don't get it--the patient didn't even die" and I just had to say "He's exhausted. He's been awake for days and feels like he can't get anything right. It has nothing to do with the patient" and then she was trying to figure out what to say to him, and I was like, "feed him, let him sleep, and let him talk about it."
Oh, btw, Red. You Rock. You're going to rock your boards. Face punch those boards!
RS -- I think Doctor's Wife hit the nail on the head. Men have a tendency to hear us complaining or upset and want to tell us how to fix the problem, or that we're wrong to feel a certain way. It's not helpful. When you're calm, try to sit down with the lawyer and explain to him that you really just need a sounding board, and for him to empathize. It may help if you have specific phrases that he says that send you over the edge, and you can tell him that you know that he means, "XYZ," but when you're upset, it comes across like he's not listening, and he thinks you're crazy / creating the problem yourself.
Now there I go doing the same thing.
:-)
Seriously though, med school is a beat down. And unfortunately, often you *can't* turn to other med students for support because then they'll pull the, "Huh, well I haven't had that problem, you must be really stupid or weak," card. You end up having to rely on non-med people/trusted med classmate confidants which can be hard to come by. Which is to say, I totally feel your pain, RS.
Also, I wanted to echo what someone above suggested, that it would probably get better when you did your clinicals. So much of that is based on personality, and yours is great. It will go better than you think, I promise. Just expect you'll get a bunch of feedback that will make you feel like crap, and hopefully it won't sting so much.
Elena- Yes, the admins are terrible. If I could write more about it here, I would, because I frequently find their behavior to be more circus-like than administrative. But, you know, I'm trying not to get thrown out for unprofessionalism here! Thanks for the encouraging words about Boards!
OMDG- You are completely right about not being able to talk to med. people about it. I almost didn't even write this post, because I didn't want to feel the internet wrath of doctors being all, "Well, you DO suck! That's why you're having these problems!" I'm not trying to be the valedictorian of my class...I'm just trying to not hate my life. I hope that clinicals do go well. I can tolerate feedback that I know is meant to make me do better or correct weaknesses, but a constant flow of "You're remedial. You're not as good as everyone else" is generally not helpful.
You know, when I read your post, I thought, it's so unfair and awful what her school is doing to her, it must be a terrible school. I am horrified to read ALL these comments saying that this is just what med school is like and ANY med school is going to beat you down. Why is that necessary?? How could this be the culture? It sounds like they're actively working against you and don't want you to succeed! And the thought that it's not just you, it's everybody... that is really disturbing.
I've always said med school is so much harder than law school... this is more evidence.
I think there are some schools that are better at/worse at this beating down type behavior than others. My school is a warm fuzzy west coast type school, and even with all that, it's still a total confidence buster going through med school.
After Step 1, I was TERRIFIED. I didn't sleep well for a week. I was convinced that I was just as likely to have failed as passed (I still feel that way). Found out yesterday I did pass, and OMG, that is a relief. I have generally been a work hard, know thyself, content with my strengths and weaknesses type of girl until med school. This whole process has ratcheted up my self-doubt to a whole new level, for real.
Interestingly, I have found that no one volunteers that they are feeling this way, but as soon as I bring it up with classmates, everyone is really happy to be like "OMG, me too, I thought I was the only one." Again, generalizing, but maybe this is a West Coast attitude at play? I am generally a borderline over-sharer, and so it's not a surprise to me that I am blabbing away all these inner fears to my classmates, but I have been surprised how many of the self-composed folks have been willing to fess up their own fears/doubts/struggles. I totally get not necessarily wanting to go there with people, though - some classmates are definitely more judgmental than others.
Hang in there. Good luck with Step 1!
I understand what you're talking about. The culture of medical school is that no one ever talks about when they do badly, which perpetuates the illusion that it must just be YOU that is inadequate. I finished M3 year a few weeks ago, and once you are in clinicals, it is much better. The school and the admin don't control your life, they don't determine your grades, and you are not physically around them. As far as the pressures from other students, there are less of them on rotations, so that pressure is not nearly as bad. As a bonus, there being less of you means that you will automatically bond with those people and thus you gain some support from each other. M1 and M2 years are about the politics; clinical years are about the medicine. It will be better now.
Thanks for this post. I'm glad that I'm not the only one thinking or experiencing this.
Med school has been pretty miserable for me. And undergrad wasn't a raging success, at least in my eyes. Sure I graduated near the top of my undergrad graduating class, but it doesn't matter. And, like you, I got into multiple schools. By mid-October acceptances were rolling in.
Today I told a guy that once I got to med school, I decreased ALL of my expectations. Actually, I don't HAVE expectations anymore. Just hopes and prayers. "Lawd, lemmie just pass," is usually the refrain.
My mom says I lack faith. I think that's probably true, but it's deeper than that. Med school changed me for the worse too- my immediate family knows that. For example, I'm a known joker... and the jokes stopped somewhere 1/2 way through MSI.
And in regards to Step 1... yeah. Everyone was acting CRAZY yesterday when they came out. I had to get home and then... I'm like... "rip off that bandage Nik". No score. Got me all frazzled over nothing. Went home in case I had to cry ugly. And nothing. And Step 1 didn't feel right when I took it... a lot of dumb stuff, and hard stuff. I'd be surprised if I passed.
The NBME people can keep that mess to themselves until September.
And best of luck studying. I know people who are still waiting to take it. Sometimes I think... maybe I should have waited too.
law school isn't quite like this, but i can relate to the feeling of "i will never, ever succeed at this, and no one has my back." that was a lot more the case during my graduate law program than my JD, but it is an awful, hurtful, place to be. sending thoughts and encouragement to you...
I think medicine is, unfortunately, very much a profession where you have to believe in yourself as no one else will if you don't. Confidence is key-tempered with a healthy fear of what you don't know, especially when you start your third year rotations - the "trick" is to be confident that you can learn it, even if you are starting from the basement just like everyone else.
I have to warn you though- the subjectivity of third year evaluations SUCKS, even if you are a nice, hardworking person, because the residents and attendings don't always know who is doing what.I happened to get a few attendings who rarely ever "honored" new third years, while some of my classmates got attends who honored everyone who was reasonably hardworking. but on the whole, its better than the pre-clinical years in gauging who is going to be reasonable physicians and who... isn't.
personality matters. work ethic matters. scores? not as much.
http://www1.umn.edu/news/news-releases/2009/UR_CONTENT_149275.html
Tess- Congrats on rocking Step 1! I know there are other people in my class who feel the same way, but it's so much easier and safer to vent to the internet than to them.
Cimorne- Thanks! Looking forward to MSIII.
nik- Oh, no! More waiting for your scores! But yes, we all seem to feel the same way about ourselves...lucky us.
Mags- Thank you and thanks for the shoutout on DCBlogs!
Red Humor- Thank you for that. I've heard some of the same mixed reviews about attendings...who to get if you want to learn (but don't care about honoring), who to get if you want to do nothing, but get good recs. I know it's all very subjective and in general, I can roll with the punches and accept that a lot of life isn't going to be fair. I start running into trouble when I feel so hammered down, though, that I'm just like, "Why the heck am I even doing this?" I've been in that place for a while now, but like I said, I'm waiting to start rotations before doing anything crazy.
This is me. Every word.
Never good enough because of some old mistakes. And thinking about them only makes it worse and beats me down even more. And people who love me, genuinely care for me, think I am imagining it, lack self-confidence and tell me that "no one cares about grades" and "focus on yourself, don't compare". This is the reason I hate med school and can't wait to be done with it. Too bad I love medicine as much as I do ;-) Giving up is not an option. But it will take a lot to accept and change back to someone more similar to a better person I was when I started it all.
i felt the same way. i HATED first year of med school. had to repeat, and the 2nd time through sucked as well. still at the bottom of the class, still had to retake a course, etc, etc. however, 2nd year was a little better, i wasn't struggling so bad with the more clinically oriented classes. once third year hit, it was like i was in heaven. from reading your blog, it sounds like if you just keep chugging along until clinicals, you'll be alright. and i know that now in residency i'm definitely not the smartest one, but i know that i'm one of the hardest working ones, and i'm one that is dependable and trustworthy. it's quite humbling to know you're the one the nurses, etc, call when they have a personal issue at hand.
so yes. med school sucks. especially first year, and especially first year times two. i really think your time that you'll shine is clinicals...and now that i'm in residency i think it's been worth all the pain and aggravation, and hopefully you'll be able to look back at it similarly.
I can SO relate to this. My bf is a classmate (MS3), and he is always having to pick me back up when med school consistently beats me down. *sigh*
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