Today, The Lawyer and I had a...discussion.
It was nothing too serious. In fact, all that he did was mention something over email that bothered me. He was perceptive enough to realize that it might come off as too similar to a Rich behavior, and was wise enough to preemptively apologize.
I appreciated that, but since we are both of the talk-it-out-until-it's-over-then-lay-it-to-rest variety, I responded anyway. I said, "Why yes, in fact, that was annoying. And no, I don't like it. Also, you're a jerk and I hate you! Now, leave work right now and bring me a cup of coffee and a cupcake as penance!"
OK, fine. I didn't say that.
There were a few emails back and forth to hash things out, and then he wrote this:
I was truly horrified that you had to [do things to entertain Rich's family]. You've given so many anecdotes of things you had to do that are just unacceptable. I probably have too, but please don't worry that I'm going to turn into a vampire sucking the life-blood out of you while giving my energy to everyone else.
Although I am the writer in this relationship, his description couldn't have been more accurate. Rich sucked every drop of energy, enthusiasm, and kindness out of me, in order to give his energy to everyone else. I was his trophy girlfriend for work events, his personal chef for his family, and his muse for making himself appear better. Our relationship was never about me or "us," and it broke me in a way that no others ever have.
I've never been able to articulate exactly what it is that happened to me with Rich, but The Lawyer did. Perfectly.
It will probably take a while for me to fully resolve my bitterness about the situation, but rest assured what The Lawyer mentioned in the email doesn't come close to anything that Rich ever asked me to do.
9 comments:
The doctor, the one who propelled me onto this path, is married now. Met her, married her 5 months later.
I'm bitter not because he is married, but because I am not. I'm bitter because she got MY ring, MY house (he rebuilt hers when he was planning on doing mine), and on and on and on.
Thing is... I dumped him (too) because he was sucking the life out of me. I felt like every time he needed to have something done, I had to be the one to sacrifice my life for him. I am gorgeous, I am friendly, I am many things... and I am now thankful that I don't have to be the "one" to cater to his whims and needs. She can.
Oh, and he cheats. He has active dating profiles on the site where they met.
Sounds to me like you, too, got the better end of the deal. Out with the abstract, abject leech, and in with the new and vibrant.
:) Happy for you. He just may be a keeper!
Doc2Be- I completely agree. We both made out like bandits by escaping. No amount of money, diamonds, or house renovations can pay for self-respect and happiness. Material things are just...things...but your sense of well-being, assurance about the love that the other person has for you, and trust that they are your partner for life have no price tag.
Besides, we're both going to be doctors. We can buy our own diamond rings and fancy houses at the end of this. (Yes, I know that it was tasteless to say that and I JUST WROTE IT ANYWAY!)
Also, the right guy will come along at the right time. I know you're not mourning his loss, but your ex sounds super grimy! I'm glad he's gone! I can't believe he's on multiple dating websites. Gross. I hope his wife is up to date on her STD testing.
RS -- I dated a guy like that once. I remember early in our relationship, we went to this party where I didn't know anyone, and he proceeded to do his usual things to be the center of attention, completely pretending that I wasn't there. When I objected to this, he told me how selfish I was and threatened to break up with me (why I didn't take him up on this offer at the time is beyond me -- two and a half more YEARS were wasted on him as a result). WHY????
He was a grad student, and he expected me to support him financially. But! He would never tell me about his own money situation. He would buy himself a $1500 bike, but then expect me to eat wonder bread because the nice bread was "too expensive."
He expected me to be his charming companion at parties and, well, always. He told me once that I would ruin his career when I used my finger to scoop some guacamole out of a bowl in a restaurant. He expected me to do triathlons with him and be really good at them so that he could look better (at one point he asked me whether I'd rather "ride bikes or hold hands," and after giving it some thought I said, "Actually, I think I'd rather hold hands....")
He told me that since he had a girlfriend, he should never have to masturbate because it was my job to satisfy him (I know, TMI, but it's true).
He commented that I was fat (at 5'7" 124 lbs) on multiple occasions.
When I had to have surgery on my foot, I needed him to drive me to work. After he dropped me off he drove my car all over the city doing god knows what, and then threw a colossal tantrum when my surgical site wouldn't stop bleeding, and I had to make an emergency trip to the doctor. He refused to come pick me up. Then he broke up with me when I told his this was unacceptable. This time I walked away and never looked back.
Oh, but HE looked back. After we broke up, he tried to sabotage my making new friends by removing my name from list servs for activities I was involved with (he told a friend of mine that my name was spelled wrong so that I wouldn't receive her emails or the club announcements). When he found out I was planning on going to med school, he tried actively to get back together. I know he never would have sacrificed any part of his life for me or my career.... but I think he found the idea of me being a doctor, and him having open access to my bank account, highly appealing.
Anyway, this is all about me. But I guess my point is that a lot of us ladies have had THAT relationship, and I applaud you for getting out before it was "too late." So many people would have just gone forward with the wedding, had a couple of babies and then been miserable and poor the rest of their lives after he cheated on you and left because you weren't as hot as you once were. I might be one of those people -- who knows! Good for you in recognizing the warning signs in your new guy and calling him on it. Being up front about what you expect early in a relationship is the only way to go. If they leave, you're better off without them.
I've been reading your blog for a while and have yet to comment, but I can't hold back on this one. I COMPLETELY know what you mean.
All through college, my ex (we're both engineers)was such a vampire. I helped him with his projects, accepted his late nights, was the perfect trophy girlfriend. Yet, somehow, I was the only who was yelled at when he didn't have the time to help my with my homework, when I had to cancel plans to work on projects, or, my personal favorite, when I appeared smarter than him (which happened A LOT because I was and still am so much smarter than him!).
The worst part about people like this: you can explain this to them until you are blue in the face and they will never understand.
OMDG & Carolyn- Oh my goodness, is it possible that we were all dating the same man? Because YESSSS to everything that both of you wrote! Carolyn, we had issues about who was "smarter" (the answer being, of course, me). And, OMDG- I don't know why I also stayed with Rich for two years after realizing how bad it was. It's such a complicated thing to analyze, but I also put up with ridiculous things like guilt trips when he had to pick me up at the Metro station after school (so, he would rather have the woman he claims to want to marry...WALK home from med. school...?). I think that he was secretly happy that I was in med. school, but viewed it as a bit of a threat also. You know what bankers really dislike? Girlfriends who are smarter and more successful than they are. Cheers to all of us for breaking freeee! And don't worry, NOTHING The Lawyer did was even close to Rich douchiness.
it's amazing to me how perceptive people can be. the man has been responsible for a couple of truism-induced epiphanies about the ex. and man, is that strange. cathartic, but strange...
Mags- I know the feeling. The Lawyer has said some things to me that I can only describe as penetrating. I'm guessing that he is just keenly observant, but he's said things about me and my past relationships that no one else has. I can only describe the feeling as one of surprise and vulnerability.
Some girls like a vampire. I'm not a big fan of them at all. I'm glad that Rich is no longer sucking your life away. The Lawyer sounds like a keeper...although a part of me was hoping that you'd work it out with "the other man". ;)
Congratulations! I sincerely hope it works out for you, Red. He sounds like a really nice guy. I'm jealous! :)
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