This weekend, I had an emotional breakdown. Like, a scary, stereotypical, girl eating chocolate chips out of the bag while weeping breakdown.
Nothing happened to cause it, besides the usual. It's just that a combination of terrible class scheduling, coinciding with two very hard exams, sleep-deprivation, a burgeoning burnout from MSII, and maybe a little hormonal cherry on top, combined to create the perfect storm. Then, before I knew it, I was only half-reading about environmental toxins and pathology and whole-heartedly picking up the phone to call Marcus on Saturday night.
My voice began to waver, and before I knew it, there were tears flowing my down my cheeks. While the noise and music from his bar raged in the background, I unloaded the tragedies of life onto an innocent man who, very unfortunately, crushed on this particular DC medical student this fall.
Marcus said a slurry of unhelpful things that non-medical people say about how "it's going to be fine," and "one day, you'll look back and have an M.D. behind your name." Although I didn't tell him this, what would have been more helpful was if he would have shown up at my apartment with cupcakes. And vodka.
Anyway, in the process of keeping up with school this year, I've definitely had to excise the non-essential parts of my life. Obviously, I've had to cut back on blogging (Do not even get me started on the bitterness about this) and keeping up with friends. (Shoutouts to all of you people whose wedding albums I have not looked at, whose calls I have not returned, and whose multiple invitations out I have had to turn down. I love you!)
Also, I'm usually so braindead at the end of the day that I find myself watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians (Which, by the way...Snap, you guys! Kim's totally getting divorced!), while simultaneously eating dinner and writing emails, instead of doing a devotional or making time for more than a 5 minute prayer.
I know that spirituality is not everyone's thing, so apologies if this offends you. My faith has just been a grounding source in my life for as long as I can remember and letting it slip to the back of the priority list has been...detrimental. Some days I feel like I'm literally swimming through 15 hours of chaos with no direction. I'm haphazardly reading, memorizing, listening, and talking to people. But, the essential thought processing, introspection that I used to have with myself and with God has been largely absent.
And, I feel it.
I feel like I make decisions without knowing that they're entirely right and when I need to provide helpful or grounding advice to a friend (you know, the normal, human part of my existence), sometimes I don't know what to say. (Ack! I'm going to end up being one of those medical students who needs the stupid, touchy feely empathy classes because they don't remember how to talk to people!)
So, I still don't have a ton of time, but I'm trying to make a conscious effort not to neglect such a large part of who I am. If it means that I have to do my quiet time during lunch (like today), I think that's doable.
Now, if someone could just pull strings to get me out of the (stupid and obnoxious) mandatory classes that I have at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow and 9 a.m.-4 p.m. on Thursday (before a huge Pharmacology exam on Friday), that would be very much appreciated. Oh, and cupcakes. Please bring me some cupcakes.