This weekend, I had an emotional breakdown. Like, a scary, stereotypical, girl eating chocolate chips out of the bag while weeping breakdown.
Nothing happened to cause it, besides the usual. It's just that a combination of terrible class scheduling, coinciding with two very hard exams, sleep-deprivation, a burgeoning burnout from MSII, and maybe a little hormonal cherry on top, combined to create the perfect storm. Then, before I knew it, I was only half-reading about environmental toxins and pathology and whole-heartedly picking up the phone to call Marcus on Saturday night.
My voice began to waver, and before I knew it, there were tears flowing my down my cheeks. While the noise and music from his bar raged in the background, I unloaded the tragedies of life onto an innocent man who, very unfortunately, crushed on this particular DC medical student this fall.
Marcus said a slurry of unhelpful things that non-medical people say about how "it's going to be fine," and "one day, you'll look back and have an M.D. behind your name." Although I didn't tell him this, what would have been more helpful was if he would have shown up at my apartment with cupcakes. And vodka.
Anyway, in the process of keeping up with school this year, I've definitely had to excise the non-essential parts of my life. Obviously, I've had to cut back on blogging (Do not even get me started on the bitterness about this) and keeping up with friends. (Shoutouts to all of you people whose wedding albums I have not looked at, whose calls I have not returned, and whose multiple invitations out I have had to turn down. I love you!)
Also, I'm usually so braindead at the end of the day that I find myself watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians (Which, by the way...Snap, you guys! Kim's totally getting divorced!), while simultaneously eating dinner and writing emails, instead of doing a devotional or making time for more than a 5 minute prayer.
I know that spirituality is not everyone's thing, so apologies if this offends you. My faith has just been a grounding source in my life for as long as I can remember and letting it slip to the back of the priority list has been...detrimental. Some days I feel like I'm literally swimming through 15 hours of chaos with no direction. I'm haphazardly reading, memorizing, listening, and talking to people. But, the essential thought processing, introspection that I used to have with myself and with God has been largely absent.
And, I feel it.
I feel like I make decisions without knowing that they're entirely right and when I need to provide helpful or grounding advice to a friend (you know, the normal, human part of my existence), sometimes I don't know what to say. (Ack! I'm going to end up being one of those medical students who needs the stupid, touchy feely empathy classes because they don't remember how to talk to people!)
So, I still don't have a ton of time, but I'm trying to make a conscious effort not to neglect such a large part of who I am. If it means that I have to do my quiet time during lunch (like today), I think that's doable.
Now, if someone could just pull strings to get me out of the (stupid and obnoxious) mandatory classes that I have at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow and 9 a.m.-4 p.m. on Thursday (before a huge Pharmacology exam on Friday), that would be very much appreciated. Oh, and cupcakes. Please bring me some cupcakes.
15 comments:
you know, if a mandatory class really is useless (and boy, aren't they so often?), it pays of to turn it into a study opportunity. picture it in your head: you're stuck in a lecture room, nothing to keep you company but the book you brought along. all you need is a music player to muffle the sounds of the lecture, and you're in for hours of successful studying with no distractions.
I don't know what to say besides the fact that I feel the same way about cutting back on things-everything piling up and I don't think I've seen my friends for ages (go figure, I'm friends with marketing majors), let alone called Mama on the phone just to talk.
But for you. HUGS. Chin up. :)
Snarky- For the Thurs. class, we also have ASSIGNED SEATING in the lecture hall (how much do I hate this Napoleon-complex-taken-out-on-med-students professor?), so I can't slink down in the back and actually do this. I do have long hair, though, and flesh-colored earplugs. I've always just been too scared to actually do it.
Dolce- Thanks for the hugs!
Breakdowns are a part of M2 year, unfortunately. In theory, they should not happen too often, though, if that helps at all. Most of my pep talk you've heard before: you get through, it's all worth it, etc. Essentially, you find something that makes you happy--prayer, reading for pleasure, working out, etc--and you use that to get through it. No matter how busy you are, you make the time for yourself. I'm not talking about multiple hours a day, of course, but there's a few minutes in your day somewhere. Studying cannot be every moment of your life, or you will not get through it. And as much as you want to be a doctor, focusing on the MD in two and a half years isn't going to do it either. You have to give yourself tangible rewards on a daily basis.
Thanks, Cimorne. The tangible daily rewards are where the vodka comes in. KIDDING. (Look at me being happy and joking again... :D)
Oh, and this was my second breakdown this year, so I'm thinking once every other month is probably OK, right?
::crickets::
I really felt like things got easier and I had more time once my clerkships started. I know this is the opposite of what most people say, but with 2nd year I found that I felt I had to study constantly in order to keep up. By the clerkships, I'd just create a study plan and do 1-2 hours per day (+ prepare for presentations/ read up on my patients if necessary) during the week, and 5 hours (not incl. breaks) on weekends. It resulted in a lot more free time, if you'd believe that.
If your spirituality is this important to you, you need to find a way to get it back. Maybe get up 5 minutes earlier. Maybe pray right before dinner. I don't know the best answer for you, but I agree you need to do this for yourself.
OMDG- You are so right. I'm usually very good about maintaining balance, but things have been getting out of hand lately. Now that I'm trying, things should be fine. I'm sure Marcus will be happy to hear that...not that he doesn't love a good hysterical phone call when the bar is pumping on a Saturday night. :)
I would have to agree with you on the last part of your post about your relationship with God. I feel the same way and even voiced that to God. I feel so lost and confused now in my life it's crazy. I try to get up every morning before I start to prepare for work by saying at least 5 minutes of gratitude to God and asking Him for His will for my life. Man I don't want to write a book here because this is bringing up a lot of things that I have been recently saying to myself. It's like getting into medical school has overwritten my life with God. And that is not a fair or even exchange, in fact it's the worst exchange one can make, I am going to stop now. I pray that you regain and maintain a relationship with God. It can throw you completely off balance when Something that is such a HUGE part of you somehow manages to be the least importance to you.
XOXO- Yeah...it's awful. Because I'm an older student (and you are too), there were some very serious conversations with God and some soul-searching prayers about coming to medical school. So, on one hand, I know that God understands the time restriction and mental distraction, because I'm positive that being here is within His will. On the other hand, I'm just soooo tired. It's really hard to concentrate and to make time for devotion and it really does alter your thought pattern. I'm starting with just thinking about God more during my day...that in and of itself is a big step.
Cupcakes!!?? Wish I could bring you some. Will praying for you suffice?? You go girl - God is with you.
Ev- Prayers will more than suffice! Thank you! They are very much appreciated!
I'd be over in a heartbeat with a box of cupcakes for you and a package of Zingers for me! I feel for you with every inch of this posting you wrote. I feel like such a sinner day in and day out especially when I feel it in my soul. Like the Lord is talking to me and He tells me to give to him my burdens and he'll carry them for me but I ignore or think there's no time for that. When if I give my time to praying and spending time in devotion all of a sudden my thinking becomes clear and I "get" things better. The enemy muddies our thinking so easily, we fall short, and are quick to fix the problems ourselves. Keep up the best you can and know that this is temporary as insane as it seems, but in the end you'll be able to grasp your touchy feely old self in no time.
PS, this week or next my goal is to try to memorize one bible verse until I've burned it into memory. The Bible verses are a tool on our belt of armor!
"..what would have been more helpful was if he would have shown up at my apartment with cupcakes. And vodka."
Hear hear for vodka.
Nuff said.
Zazzy- I love that you're memorizing Bible verses! Thanks for the empathy!
nik- What can I say? We all have our moments, yes? :)
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